August 30, 2011


Well we are somewhat back to normal as far as Irene is concerned. The basement ended up with about only 2 inches of water that was just ground water coming up. We were very lucky in that respect. Others were knee deep and bailing out. We are under sewer restrictions since the water treatment facility has failed. So we are conservatively flushing and showering elsewhere. The last thing we need is to have the sewer back up in to the house.

On the FET front, I have been testing each morning to a BFN each time. I have had no real symptoms. Only this morning did I think that two things from yesterday might have been symptoms. First, I was extremely irritable yesterday. I lost it on DH when something with his sister came up (can't stand her!) and while normally a very calm person, I was literally screaming at him and throwing the F word around like it was my job! (speaking of that, I have not been able to get to work for the past two days because the power is still out there!) Anyway, then around 6pm last night a wave of fatigue came over me, like I had the flu without the flu. I thought I was going to fall asleep sitting up!! I was like a wet dishrag! So maybe those are symptoms and maybe it's just side effects or stress. Beta is Friday and as much as I try not to think about it, it's always there!!

August 28, 2011


We are ok. The order to evacuate came in about 2pm yesterday. We chose to stay. My parents left and went to my sister's house (their house...very confusing...see earlier posts). So far the roof is leaking in the garage..but not too bad.. the basement is filling with water in one area. It seems to just be coming up from the ground. Thank god we hadn't carpeted down there yet. Our power is still's amazing. My parent's power went out about 11 last night, but we are holding on. I haven't heard from anyone over there since about midnight. I hope they are getting some sleep.

My brave 11lb papillon went outside and did his business...I am so proud of him! The only other major issue (for me the arachnophobe) is the sheer number of crickets seeking solace in my home. My puppy is a champion in this area as well and leaving lights on is helping.

Tested at 4am after about two hours of sleep. It was negative, but don't know how accurate it is for FMU.

August 27, 2011


I am now off bedrest and extremely thankful for that! Now, we prepare for Irene. We have not been ordered to evacuate, which is quite amusing since the next town over (across the lake from us about 50 feet!) has been ordered to leave. I live next to a tidal lake (really just an ocean overflow) and about 4 blocks from the ocean in NJ. We have boarded up which has left us feeling very cave like. We have water, flashlights, batteries, candles, food, and I think we are prepared. Happy to have heard that Irene weakened a little overnight. The first bands of rain have just started to hit us. We are getting really heavy rains like once an hour. It's going to be a really long two days. Especially cooped up with my parents (see earlier post). But, of course, the main thing on my mind is going to the pharmacy before they close so I can start testing tomorrow!

August 26, 2011


So, still on bedrest and really going stir crazy! Absolutely no symptoms yet which is very different from last time. Clearly last time was all from PIO, so being that this time there is nothing that could be a good thing. Nice to know that I will read into anything including the absence of symptoms!

August 25, 2011


And so it begins....yesterday two very healthy little blasts were tranferred and one was left frozen since the other two looked so good! I am on bed rest for 48 hours and unlike last time....I am listening. I have only left bed to use the bathroom!  I will have my beta on 9/2. So here's tocounting down and tracking symptoms. (of which there are none yet....not even pio side effect sxs!)

August 24, 2011

Transfer Day

So, the lining check yesterday went well. I went up from a 7 to a 7.5. The RE is ok with that and so am I. I really couldn't sleep last night and and just anxious to get the show on the road!! Ready to be PUPO!! That term, "pregnant until proven otherwise" just makes me giggle! Anyway, transfer is in 5 hours....not that I am counting down or anything! Wish me lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of luck web people!

August 23, 2011

Ready for some space

So while I wait patiently to find out if the FET is a go or not, my parents, who I remind you, are living with us! decide to inform me that they don't think my husband and I do enough around the house! Ummm...I'm do realize that criticizing the people you are living with for free because of your loser son in law!!!!??? I mean WTF!? My husband I..granted...we don't know much about owning our own home and find it difficult to find a lot of time for stuff are being criticized for it! I am ready to scream, cry, pull my hair out, hit someone, whatever...but I keep my mouth shut and listen respectfully because I have so much friggin Irish Catholic guilt that I cannot stand up to them! if the FET goes through and I am on bedrest, I will feel nothing but guilty the entire time!

August 22, 2011


Yeah!!! I have been added to the Stirrup Queen's List of Blogs or "the Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer!!!"

Check it out here!

Lining Issue

Ok, so my lining was only at a 7 on Friday. My doc said he wants it over 8 to transfer. So I go back tomorrow to check to see if we are there. I was told to up the estrogen. So I guess screwing up my protocol by taking too much estrogen actually helped me. I can't even think where I would have been if I hadn't take too much earlier! Hopeing for good news tomorrow.

Otherwise, had a fun weekend getaway with DH's family. Three days was just enough for either of us to not get too annoyed! Happy to be home, even if my parents are still here... :)

August 19, 2011

I love my husband

After the conversation we had yesterday and seeing this beautiful baby here, I looked at him after publishing my last post and he says I know...f#&*(&g fertiles! I love my husband!


I understand secondary infertility, but who the off brings a baby to the fertility clinic!!!!!!!! Seriously is this a joke!

Friggin Fertiles

My DH came home from work yesterday to tell me all about the new woman in his office. And ....wait for it....of course.... she's pregnant. I love my DH and we are very open about our ART, but he told her what we were going through and he tells me, she said to tell you "good luck and it's all worth it." So naturally I asked him if she had been through ART. NOPE. Wasn't trying actually, just got pregnant. Then ummmm excuse me, how do you know what's worth what? It's so aggravating.....I yelled at my husband, well, because, she wasn't there. Friggin Fertiles don't have a friggin clue!

August 18, 2011

FET-6 Days

I cannot believe that the FET is less than a week away!! It is still so weird to me to know that I will be pregnant next Wednesday! Yeah for countdowns!!!

August 17, 2011

Great video with happy ending!

Home, Body, Soul

Well, my parents have officially moved in and it's been...interesting. We've had a few touchy moments, and it can get a little tense at times, but for one week in, I have to admit that it hasn't been as bad as I thought. My parents have their own space set up in the basement now. They have a tv, their computer desk, and our extra couches and chairs down there. That has helped at night at least. Thank god we were very fortunate to have moved into a fairly large house in February. I have been expecting to fill it with lots of babies, but for now it's ok.

On the other side of things, and definitely not helping with my moods, I have upped the Estrace to three times a day and still on ten units of Lupron a day. On Friday I stop everything, start the PIO and Arixtra and go in for bw and us. So, I'll get more information then.

My DH now does not have to go to training at the end of this month. He was able to get out of it with a note from my him!!! DH and I had a long talk and I really want him here for the beta and if it is positive for the first few weeks in case anything were to happen.

I made an appointment for a mani/pedi for the morning after my beta bloodwork on 9/2. I figure it's a good way to keep myself busy. I took the day off work, as I cannot get that phone call at work. I did the same thing in June after out first fresh IVF cycle. That didn't work out so well...good thing I am not least I don't think I am!

August 12, 2011

How I feel

Saw this on another blog and I had to repost. It's originally from the Ferre Institute.
I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me as this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren’t very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed, and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I’ve spent years trying to avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can’t conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try hard, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I’d been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I’m never pregnant? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I’m losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self confidence and feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I have always taken care of it. I’m angry at my partner because we can’t seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me.

I’m angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn’t cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can’t go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I’m angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much nor so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so self centered. I’m sad that I’ve ignored any friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much of my energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I’m surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kid’s movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.

My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and long-term future seems impossible. I can’t decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timeline; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursuer adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursuer more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I’m learning some helpful ways to cope; I’m now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe I’ll survive. I ‘m learning to listen to my body and be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I’m realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I’m trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.

I was bawling at the end of this.

Need to Vent- Not IF related! Most definitely hormone induced!

Ok So I hate my MIL. It's difficult to admit that since she is a very nice lady and goes out of her way to help everyone she knows including us. She has been a great help to us in a lot of ways. I could never thank her enough for her help in moving this past winter. Now of course there is the dreaded BUT...dum dum dum....

she drives me insane. First of all, I am no one to judge someone else, but I was an English major...although my spelling and grammar on here leave a lot to be desired. I do however, try my best to sound somewhat educated when I speak. I do not say shrimpS, mannograth (for mammogram) and a thousand other inaccurate, illiterate words! This is petty, I know. So, allow me to continue.

Her son has been away for three weeks. He is not, however, in the middle of the jungle, his cell phone works. She never called him. She texts me to see if he got home and then still never calls him!!

We are going away for a few days to DE with his family. (YEAH!! So looking forward to that!) {It's funny, because it was supposed to be for a week, but my transfer is smack dab in the middle so we had to cut it short!!} Last year when we were there (and left early due to some made up emergency!) we all went kayaking. My MIL texts me today (note 10 days before we even LEAVE for the trip) "single or double kayak." First of all, I know she has auto type which is the only reason she was able to spell it correctly. Second, why in the middle of my day am I being bothered with this. There is no way she is making any kind of reservation or anything, so WTF, why bother me about this. I wrote back, Don't to your son. To which I got the response..ok see you tomorrow. Ummm, I'm sorry WHAT? Since when were we informed that you were coming from PA to us in NJ tomorrow?

Now, I know that my parents are living with us, so I have NOOO means to complain about his mother coming down to visit for an hour while she is fawning over her daughter {really don't like calling her my SIL} but a little notice more than see you tomorrow. I'm sorry, and if we had plans???

Funny thing is she pulled this one other time when DH was away and I closed the doors, turned off the lights, and when she called to let me know she was in town, I told her was shopping at the mall with a friend and wouldn't be home for a while. She left without waiting, thank god...that was a possibility!

Also, my MIL is a lesbian. I have no problem with lesbians. I do have a problem with a woman pretending to love her husband and that she is in a happy marriage..all the while spending at least one night a week sleeping over her "friend's" house. Seriously!!! And DH doesn't see it. I don't think he wants to. Well, I don't know that for sure because we've never spoken about it. This is not something I want broach with him. How do you start with, "Hey, do you know your mom's a lesbian??"

Well, it's good to vent a little. I am soooo glad that no one actually reads this!!! Whew...ok done for now!

August 11, 2011


So, DH came home last night. I was so excited to see him! He called when he was close and I told him I was still at my parents helping everyone unload my sister's moving truck. Next thing I knew he showed up there and took off his ACU jacket and then jumped right in to start hauling boxes. I love him so much! {Plus he scored major brownie points with my fam for that one!}

Once we had everything unpacked, I brought my neices to cheering practice and then went home. Let's just say that it was a nice homecoming! After almost a month away, I really did miss him so much that it hurt. It was wonderful to be able to sleep next to him again last night. So, as he has a few days off now before returning to work, I left him sleeping and my parents at my house. I am wondering how the day is going with them all there together!

I posted the screwed up protocol issue on the n.est and all the girls on there said that I should definitely be calling my doctor. I could not bring myself to do that. I was way too concerned that they would cancel the cycle. I know they will do a b/w and an u/s before the transfer so if anything is screwed up, we'll know then.

I looked online and several other people did the same thing I did and ALL of the ones that I read got their BFP that same cycle! Maybe it's the secret!! Aren't we all so sad that we put our hopes into anything!! WE must laugh at it...or go crazy...

Trying to get through work today and tomorrow to enjoy the weekend with my husband!!

August 9, 2011

Protocol Screw up!

Oh, and to top it all off I realized this morning that I screwed up my protocol. I was supposed to go down to 10 units of Lupron and begin Estrace in AM on 8/5. On 8/10 (tomorrow) I was supposed to go to Estrace in AM and PM.

I have been taking Estrace in AM and PM since the 5th!!!! Think this is a huge issue??? Should I call the doc to let them know???


So, on top of all the FET protocols and dealing with that, I have been quiet about what's happening with my family. First, you should know that DH is in the military and has been away for three weeks. He is scheduled to come home Friday! Yeah! Well, with him gone, things have been hectic and crazier than usual. My sister and her husband have run into some personal problems (well him actually, not her) but they had to sell their house. So they and their FOUR kids (2, 6, 7, 8) are moving about an hour from their home into my parents house. (Which is three minutes from me). So, my parents are not prepared to live with four kids and my brother in law and sister so, they are moving in with DH and me until they can find a rental. I know, my parents are unbelievably giving and supportive! Well, my parents were supposed to move in next weekend..meaning the 19th and 20th. Now, it appears that they might be moving in tomorrow.

My sister wanted to enroll her older kids in sports for the fall, not realizing the practices started 8/1! So, the older three have been with my parents Monday-Friday for practice and going home on the weekends. My parents really can't do it anymore especially since two of the three are Type I diabetic and require a lot of special care. So, my sister is moving down early and therefore my parents are moving out early.

Now, I love my parents and get along very well with them, and do not have a problem with them moving in for a while. I keep, however, putting myself in my husbands shoes. If it were HIS parents moving in, I would not be okay with that! Now to top this off, my parents will be moving in before DH gets home, leaving us no alone time! He was noticeably pissed about it this morning, although he's too sweet to actually say it!

I don't know what to do to make it better. I am and have always been a people pleaser. How do I help my family with what they need and at the same time, make sure my DH is happy as well?? HELP!!!

August 8, 2011


I have been feeling somewhat content lately as far as pregnancy goes. If it happens now, FANTASTIC! If it doesn't I'm ok with that too. I sounded much more sure of myself in my head! :) Anyway, if the transfer does not work on the 24th, I am going to take a break. I think physically, emotionally, mentally...I need it. I am going to use that time to lose weight and find myself again. I can bearely remember who I was without being TTC. So, those are my thoughts for today! We'll see what tomorrow brings!

August 2, 2011


Had the catheter pass yesterday and man does that hurt!!! The dr wanted to measure me before the transfer so he knew what the perfect depths were for placement. Totally worth it, but damn, that pain doesn't go away quickly either! I asked the dr. about a full bladder since I've read online that a lot of girls have pain during transfer due to having a full bladder. He told me that the full bladder is only used in ultrasound guided transfers due to difficult utereses (is uteri the plural??) So being that I don't have to have the ultrasound guided tranfer it means that my uterus is good! Such small victories!

On other notes, I cut my hair and went full out blonde from my dark brown natural. I am loving it! DH is still training in another state so he hasn't seen it! He'll be home in ten days and I can surprise him then!

My sister's three kids are staying with my parents for the week. They are a little harried with it all and I am trying to help out as much as possible, but it's been tough trying to keep up with all my stuff at the same time, especially since DH is not home. Oh well, life goes on I guess.